The Illuminati/Freemasons (in the context of reality and history) are two separate organizations with a tenuous connection to each other.

The Illuminati/Freemasons (in the context of conspiracy theorists and basic bitches with internet connections) is a group of celebrities and world leaders who are plotting to take over the world using not-so-hidden imagery in Kanye West videos. So, in essence, the Illuminati is a secret society that everybody knows about.

Why People Believe in Illuminati Theories

Believing that someone’s success is attributed to dark and/or Satanic forces, it allows you to freely hate that person and disguise it as religious or moral righteousness; and if you believe that every symbol or visual device that you don’t understand is Illuminati imagery, then it frees you from thinking or opening your mind to anything but the limited frames of references that you’ve been exposed to.

Historical Background

Contrary to what you have heard (or chosen to believe) the Illuminati and the Freemasons are not one and the same.

The original Illuminati was a Bavarian organization that encouraged freethought (thinking based on logic and reason as opposed to laws and religious doctrines). The original Illuminati fell under sharp scrutiny because it is very difficult to control people who aren’t afraid of government laws or religious dogma. It is even more difficult to control groups of people who want to think for themselves and meet in secret (which is why it was illegal for large groups of slaves to congregate without their masters supervising.) Consequently, in 1777 the ruler of Bavaria, Karl

Theodor banned all secret societies including the Illuminati. However, according to conspiracy theories, the Illuminati never broke up and survived until today. They argue that many of the world’s events are being controlled by the Illuminati, although it was never proven that the original Illuminati ever controlled any world events.

According to actual Freemasons, Freemasonry is not a religion nor a substitute for God, Jesus, or any higher power (there are Christian Freemasons, Jewish Freemasons, Muslim Freemasons, etc) Freemasons have no political affiliations, nor a unifying worldwide network. There is no evidence that either the original Illuminati or current Freemasons have participated in satanic rituals.

Niggluminati Symbolism

The following are a list of guidelines to let you know whether or not your favorite artist sacrifices sick infants to Satan:

Black and White Videos

Anyone who films a video in black and white worships the devil. Real Christians shoot their videos on their iPhones and upload them directly to YouTube. Video editing is a tool of Satan.

Wealthy Celebrities

Any celebrity on the Forbes list or who makes more than $20,000 a year worships the devil. Even if they donate 60% to charity, it doesn’t make a difference. That’s still the devil’s money. Only Satan wants you to be wealthy and prosperous. Real Christians take their asses down to the welfare.

Experimenting with Different Musical Styles

If your favorite artists have experimented with rock, techno, or electronic music then they worship the devil. Only Satan wants you to be open-minded and musically diverse. Jesus wants you to work with Polow Da Don for the remainder of your life.

Wearing Wild+Crazy Costumes/Haute Couture/Different Fashion Styles

If your favorite artist wears outfits that cannot be purchased at Citi Trendz, Basix, Wet Seal or Forever 21 then they have definitely sold their souls to the devil. Satan wants you to experiment with new fashion styles. Jesus wants you to shop at TJ Maxx.

Exotic Animals

If your favorite artist has exotic animals in their music videos then they are definitely a devil-worshiping member of the Illuminati. The only animals in the Garden of Eden were Pitbulls and rottweilers.

Large Army of Dancers

REAL Christians have no more than 4 dancers in their videos. Only Satan wants large groups of women and homosexuals doing the Dougie in unison.

Elaborate Settings with Abstract Symbols and Imagery

Only a child of Satan tries new visual styles and incorporates abstract imagery. Jesus wants all urban music videos to be filmed in the club, the projects, a bedroom, or the WIC office parking lot with all of your cousins doing various jail poses in the background. If you are a REAL Christian the only symbols in your video should be gang signs.

Expensive Music Videos

Only Satan worshipers spend more than $100 for a music video. If you are a REAL Christian then your total video budget should be no more than $42 and $17 worth of food stamps.

Triangles and Pyramids

According to some complete dumbasses, conspiracy theorists, the pyramid with an eye on the back of the dollar bill is a symbol of the Illuminati. According to other complete dumbasses, conspiracy theorists, that eye represents the all-seeing eye of Lucifer. If you lack the intelligence and motivation to form your own opinions and research it on your own, you can save a lot of time by just considering all triangles and pyramids as signs from the devil.

Please be on the watch for the following Satanic symbols:

The Pyramids in Egypt

The Pyramid arena in Memphis

The $100,000 Pyramid

The Food Pyramid

The American Music Award

Tinky Winky

The Yield Sign (That’s nothing but the devil trying to slow you down.)

Pizza (Call your local Papa John’s, tell them you know the truth, and yell “Get thee behind me Satan!”.)