In 2013, girls were supposed to run the world, but the boys dominated the end-of-the year charts.
Yes, Taylor Swift slayed, and Beyoncé shitted on everyone (per usual), but the bulk of the year was one big sausage party as Justin Timberlake, Bruno Mars, Jay-Z, Kendrick Lamar, Robin Thicke, Daft Punk, and Macklemore & Lewis all dominated the charts and the Grammy Awards.
Yet, in the world of Internet stan wars, female artists still ran the show.
I am constantly asked why this site doesn’t have more pages devoted to male artists and I can never come up with a straight answer.
The major male pop stars of today are talented, good-looking, can go platinum within a few weeks and can sell out arenas quickly and without Groupon, so why don’t the gays care?
Every day, you commit acts of terrorism over flopping females, meanwhile, the achievements of male artists go unnoticed, their talents get overlooked, and their Wikipedia pages go un-updated . Yes, the general public loves them, but everyone knows that your career isn’t worth a shit unless you have an army of overzealous queens who are willing to commit felonies for you.
The Grammys got rid of all gender-specific categories and the Billboard charts aren’t divided based on who has a wee-wee, so why don’t you view male artists as threats?
Typically, male pop stars don’t attract the same type of rabid stan bases as their female counterparts.
Yes, One Direction, Justin Bieber and the like have historically attracted an army of horny young girls and questioning young boys, but the meanest, cruelest, most despicable acts of human depravity I have seen, have been committed over female artists by adult gay males.
Why is it that in the world of gay online stan wars, male pop stars get a colder reception than less talented and successful female pop stars?
We found several possible reasons as to why female artists are more popular in stan wars, particularly among gay fans:
Reason #1 – Males Are Boring
We wanted to study the musical habits of the average Internet gay stan. It was very important that we didn’t generalize or stereotype these stans so we picked 100 stereotypical pop music-stanning queens whose musical tastes were formed by TRL and Radio Disney.
First we showed them Justin Timberlake’s 15-minute medley from last year’s VMAS. During this performance, Justin played the keys, solved a Rubix cube, delivered a baby, picked up the other members of N’Sync from their shift at T.G.I. Friday’s, got to level 452 on Candy Crush, all while he danced and sang completely live.
We measured the brain activity of the gays in our research group as they watched Justin’s performance.
Then we measured their reactions:
Next, we took the same group of gay stans, put a blond wig on a dildo, gave the dildo an Instagram account, and played the “Radiate” ringtone (which comes pre-installed on all iPhones…)
The Radiate Ringtone:
Then we measured their reactions:
Our studies showed all that was needed to illicit a response from the gay stans was a wig and any generic and repetitive up-tempo sound.
Reason #2 – Females Are More Fierce
There is something innately fierce and imposing about female vocalists and something about the female vocal naturally lends itself to dance-floor anthems. In the film Paris is Burning the queens are stomping down the runway to Diana Ross, Cheryl Lynn and Patti LaBelle. Never in the history of gaydom, has anyone ever done a duck walk or death drop to a John Legend song.
When you look at the artists on the Dance Club #1 songs, they are all female artists. This leads us to believe that songs from female artist are more empowering and energizing than songs from males.
To further prove our theory, we asked the participants in our study what music they listen to while fleeting.
Forty-four percent of those questioned say that Britney Spears’ modern-day classic Blackout is their soundtrack of choice while washing out their bussies,while thirty-two percent said they prefer to clean their innards to Beyonce’s B’Day.
Reason #3 – You Can’t Relate to Male Artists
In his hit song “Treasure”, Bruno Mars sings:
“Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be smiling…”
However, the typical gay fan hears:
“Vagina, Vagina, Vagina. Hot, sticky, moist, demonic hole of doom; stay far, far away from me…”
The music of most male artists may be off-putting since most gay fans cannot relate to songs sung from the viewpoint of the heterosexual male.
Reason #4 – Male Artists Take Too Many Breaks
A lot of major male artists have the income and the impact to be able to afford to take years off in between albums and not worry about their relevance.
Eminem took 5 years off between albums; Justin Timberlake took 7 years off between albums; and Maxwell took 8 years off between albums. That time out of the spotlight was probably very productive and reinvigorating for the artists, but if you are a stan whose self-esteem is based on arguing about which artist sells the most digital singles in Croatia, 5 days can be torture, let alone 5 years; many stans have found it’s much less stressful to stan for female artists whose relevance is based on having to release new material every 6 hours.
Reason #5 – Revenge
Perhaps the shunning of male pop artists by gay male stans is a form of revenge.
Maybe as retribution for all the heterosexual males who picked on them in middle school and all of the attractive, masculine trade who rejects them on Grindr, gay male fans often embrace female pop tarts like Katy Perry and Britney Spears and reject more talented male artists such as Robin Thicke and Pink.
Reason #6- Male Artists Are Not As Messy on Social Media
On social media, male artists are a bit boring.
Save for the occasional Chris Brown meltdown and the conveniently leaked dick pic, male pop stars don’t pull the same social media shenanigans as their female colleagues. When male artists hate each other, they don’t Photoshop pictures or drag each other on Twitter, they usually just, you know, shoot each other, but can you imagine if popular male artists were as messy and immature as some of the stans of female artists (or some of the female artists themselves)?